I'm Going Home
by rhea321
Summary: This is a fanfic that I wrote about Susan Pevensie. It always made me sad that she stopped believing so I wrote this a while ago. I tried to stick to the book as much as I possibly could. Please enjoy and comment.
1. Chapter 1

I'm Going Home

A cold wind blew in through the open window and curled around the curtains in Susan Pevensie's room. The chilly breeze caressed her silver hair like an invisible hand as she sat gazing out of the window into the starry night, with a book on her lap. It was a simple, leather bound book slightly covered with dust as if it hadn't been looked at for years. Her hands ached with age as she quickly opened the book and flipped the brown, old pages. Susan was looking for something: a picture she hadn't laid eyes on in years.

After flipping page after page she found the old photograph. Peter, Edmund, and Lucy smiled up at her as her tears rained on the book. All three were sitting on a bench with their suitcases between their feet, smiling and waving, forever frozen and unknowing. 1949 was the year. The year of the accident on the British Railways, and the year Susan lost them all forever: Her brothers, sisters, and friends.

"If only they had known," Susan muttered bitterly under her breath. "If only I had been there."

Susan wiped away her tears with fists; much like a child would, and then shut the book, tucked it between two others on a shelf, and sat on her soft bed. She handled the photograph with careful hands as if it could turn to dust if she held it too hard, then she placed it on the dresser next to her. Susan stared at it for seconds, minutes, hours…She couldn't tell. The sky outside turned pale gray like it does when dawn's approaching, but she couldn't be sure.

~*~

"Come on Su," Lucy pleaded "Professor Kirke and Aunt Polly invited all of us: Peter, Edmund, Eustace, Jill, you, me… Please? Come and talk about Narnia with us. And Aslan, we can talk about Aslan too."

"Narnia! Fancy your still thinking about all those funny games we used to play when we were children," Susan replied as she put on some lipstick. "Lu, I'm late for that party I was invited to. Remember? The one I told you about weeks ago, and I don't have time for games."

"Games? Narnia wasn't a game; Aslan wasn't a game! You know that. Stop trying to be so grown-up!" Lucy cried, and stormed out of Susan's room, and house.

"Look, Su, we're leaving tomorrow," Peter put in, looking at his younger sister. "And we'd like for you to come—"

"You know where to find us if you change your mind. The train leaves at nine-thirty," Edmund interrupted, picking up his bag and opening the door. "Goodbye, Susan." He added, looking at his sister, who was putting her dark hair up with pins.

"Goodbye, Su." Peter said as both he and Edmund left to join Lucy outside.

~*~

Susan had fallen into an uneasy sleep, filled with dreams of dark figures lurking in a misty wood. The dark figures moved about quickly but quietly, and they called her name in whispers as soft as the rustling of leaves, and they stretched their shadow hands out to her. Everything in the wood looked threatening: a tree stump looked like a gnarled hand, a tree looked like a giant ready to strike, and the mist looked sinister and suffocating. Susan tried to run from the figures but she lost her way in the mist, and tripped on gnarled hands, and went in circles because the shadow hands wouldn't leave her. She sat down on the cool earth thinking she would never escape the shadow figures until she caught sight of a glimmer of silver light weaving between the trees further into the wood. A mix of hope and curiosity filled Susan, and she was tempted to follow the strange silver light. Then it occurred to her that if she did there might be no way of coming back, but all the same, everywhere the light appeared was cleared of the shadow figures.

She set out to follow the light as it went deeper and deeper into the wood. The twigs and leaves crunching beneath her feet made Susan jumpy, but there was no going back now. She'd never find her way as she had walked several hours and it was getting colder as the sky darkened. Susan noticed the silver light slowed as the trees became fewer, the shadow figures became quiet, and the trees became still. No one called her name once the silver light stopped moving. Susan hesitated for a few seconds before walking around the tree that shielded the silver light. It was Peter. Or at least some form of Peter; whether he was a ghost or a vision she knew not. He was wearing colorful clothes, but they somehow were dimmed by the glow of his crown, and he smiled and waved at Susan. With tears in her eyes Susan realized that he was the silver light that guided her to safety, out of those misty woods, and away from the shadows. How she would have liked to hug him and talk to him, but at the precise moment she took a step toward him the light began to grow stronger and golden. After just a few seconds Susan was blinded by the flashing light like a lonely boat would be blinded by the shimmering light of a lighthouse: a single ray of hope. Then a curious thing began to happen. Susan felt ticklish all over, and then as soon as it was gone she felt warm.

Aslan stood before her. He was as big, golden, and magnificent as she remembered. But Peter was gone. The Great Lion looked her in the eyes steadily and Susan felt both afraid and glad. He opened his mouth and blew. Susan felt as if she were home…in a dream from long ago, something talked about only in whispers with Lucy, Edmund, and Peter. Soft, warm wind blew through Susan's silver hair, and the trees, and all around her, but it seemed to blow Aslan away for he dissolved and was carried away along with a few stray leaves.

Susan stood in her white night gown in the quiet wood, unsure of what she was to do next. The stars and the moon, visible now that there were fewer trees, lit the ground around her, and were reflected by the river to the east. She was thirsty and tired, and despite her aching feet and strong desire to sleep, she decided to journey east. It would take half an hour at most, if she walked slowly. She walked on, weaving through trees, dodging low hanging branches that had the habit of hitting her face, and jumping roots of trees and tree stumps. She came across a sea of bluebells, but despite the dark, each flower was able to keep its color and shine brightly. It reminded Susan of a time from long ago, or perhaps a dream, where she walked with her brothers and sister through a wood with a pair of beavers. The flowers gave her a sense of happiness that she had felt before. She smiled though she had tears in her eyes. She walked further, through patches of moonlight into dark green thickets and out again into mossy glades, steadily nearing the river.

Susan arrived at the river and kneeled at the edge, but instead of a clear, mirror-like surface she found glittering water: like all the stars had shrunken, and fallen in the river. She was startled, but was tempted to try the water even if it was shimmering so much that she couldn't see herself. Then it occurred to her that it might be some sort of poisonous sparkle. She giggled at the thought, and scooped up some stars, and drank deeply. For a moment, Susan couldn't find her voice. The water…_was not water_, she thought, _it was like I was drinking light_. After much thought she decided it was liquid light what she tasted, and scooped up some more. When Susan no longer felt thirsty she picked herself up and headed north. Off in the distance, at the edge of a lake, stood a white stag that seemed to glow in the moonlight.

The White Stag stopped drinking from the river and it became clear as a watery mirror. It regarded Susan with observant, limpid eyes as she walked closer. Susan noticed it was a strong, yet fragile animal, with delicate, thin legs and a solemn look about him. The Stag looked as if it might run from Susan for a second, but remained still even as she came close enough to touch him. She vaguely remembered chasing after the Stag through Lantern Waste with her brothers and sister as Kings and Queens of Narnia: the capture of the White Stag meant receiving a wish. But then she remembered tumbling out of the wardrobe into the spare room in Professor Kirke's house in England. Susan held out a hesitant hand and touched the stag.

"I wish to go home," She whispered, looking into crystal eyes that searched her face. "Please,"

The Stag nodded at the river. Susan stood still, and the Stag nodded at the river again. It wanted her to get close to the blue, glassy water. She did. She kneeled, looked into the watery mirror, and found the reflection of the moon and the stars, then her own. Her skin was no longer wrinkly, and her hair no longer silver. She was, once again, Queen Susan the Gentle of Narnia. Her long brown hair hung loosely around her face, cascaded down her back, and was adorned by a circlet made of pure, white gold. Her azure eyes seemed brighter, deeper than the deepest ocean or purest sapphire. She smiled and saw pearly white teeth beam at her. Her night gown was replaced by a simple red dress, truer than any rose. She stood and white light filled the world. Nothing was visible but the incandescent light. It hurt Susan's eyes briefly for it was gone as fast as it had come, leaving the sun hanging up in the sky, almost as if it had been an instantaneous and brilliant sunrise.

The colors of the word shone brighter, and meant more than any she had ever seen in England. The richest purples, blues, reds, greens, pinks, and yellows were nothing compared to the ones donned by the trees and flowers. The sky was a silky mirrored image of the ocean, with little white boats of cloud floating in it. Tall oak trees were taller, and their leaves greener and the flowers that grew on them were an intense carnation. The birds were radiant and many more than she'd ever seen in her life: kingfishers, hummingbirds, bluebirds, cardinals, chickadees, chukars, Budgerigars… _Lucy would have loved this_, thought Susan while she watched squirrels run playfully, rabbits hop off to find food, salmon jumping in and out of the river, foxes waking to find food; all the animals that passed seemed to bow before her but they wouldn't say a word. Susan faced north, where the Stag stood watching her, and noticed that further there was a sturdy beaver's dam…Like Mr. Beaver and Mrs. Beaver's dam, close to the Western Woods…in Narnia.

Could it be that the Stag took her to Narnia, instead of England, when she said "home"? After all, the Stag hadn't been wrong: there was no other place that felt like home after the accident on the railways. Peter, Edmund, and Lucy carried Narnia in their hearts while they were in England, and, Susan figured, that she was able to get by on their memories even if she denied her own so, when they were gone, her heart was broken and she was no longer home. At least, that's what it felt like to her.

The White Stag walked over to Susan and settled down on the grass next to her. Susan smiled. "Thank you," she said to the Stag, as she sat leaning against him. She began to pick the grass blades and fiddle with them while she became sleepier, and sleepier.

Mr. Tumnus, Lucy's dear faun friend, entered her mind playing a merry tune on the flute, and Father Christmas' sleigh slid into her mind's eye. She saw the huge man before her, with a red robe, and a long, fluffy white beard. Susan remembered how she had felt glad and solemn at the very same time, making her stand still in his presence. She remembered as well how his booming voice called her name, and how she jumped. He handed her a bow and a quiver full of arrows and a little ivory horn, which reminded her of her old self, the greatest archer in Narnia, and the Gentle Queen. She laughed a little, picking another blade of grass and remembering how he served them all tea, and then had gone before they even noticed he had moved.

High King Peter the Magnificent, King Edmund the Just, and Queen Lucy the Valiant galloped on horses, chasing a White Stag. Susan saw them wave and smile at her, as she, too, was chasing the Stag. They wore brilliant clothes that flowed about them as they sped through the thickets, and crowns that shone like diamonds when they caught a tiny ray of sun. All this she remembered and missed. Susan did not want to sit around to wait so she stood and walked towards the beaver's dam as the Stag watched her.

Suddenly, the wood turned frosty white, as if the world was being tucked into bed by a sudden blanket of snow. The Kings and Queen galloped around a clump of big oak trees before the white engulfed them. Susan shrieked; they were gone, and she was left to an empty white world. It was neither cold nor hot, but Susan shivered as she squinted her eyes to see beyond the empty whiteness before her. She could hear her own shallow breathing, and horses galloping off in the distance… or just in her head, but she could see nothing but white.

Laughter floated in the air while she stood still, and her heart pounded as if she'd run from Lantern Waste to Dancing Law in just a matter of seconds. Two young boys walked through the sheets of white, between two strong horses, laughing at some private joke. Susan watched them come closer, and closer; she watched them turn from tiny figures into two twins, wearing colorful clothing like she did when she was Queen in Narnia, and crowns. They lacked swords, and the horses saddles. The twins stared at Susan for a few seconds, and then one smiled warmly at her and held out his hand. She gave hers.

"Queen Susan," said he as he kissed her hand. "Welcome,"

Susan found she could utter no words that would express her astonishment, and wonder: This young man before her was King Cor of Archenland. He looked like she remembered, but some how different. He looked older, and yet not; he looked wiser, and yet not; she could ever make up her mind about it afterwards. He looked like a King as he held his head high, and there was a certain glow about him. Next to him, identically impressive, stood Prince Corin, smiling and holding out his hand to her. He welcomed her as well, and kissed her hand like his brother had.

"Welcome to where?" she asked, hoping for a single word: Narnia.

Prince Corin smiled, and said, "We're glad to see you again, after so long."

"We wondered, after what King Peter said," added King Cor, but Susan interrupted.

"You've spoken to my brother?" The twins nodded. "Have you spoken to Edmund and Lucy, too?"

The twins nodded a second time. _Ed…Lu…They're here!_ Susan thought, as hope bloomed in her heart like a flower would on a spring day. There might be a chance to talk to them once more, and tell them how she missed them on Christmas, during the summer, and when age took its toll on her, and left her in her lonely house with nothing but dusty pictures sitting on the dresser, hanging on the walls, hiding under pillows. Susan trembled with a quiet happiness, and she hoped Cor and Corin thought she shook from cold, though she knew by their curious, shining eyes that they suspected her reasons for trembling. King Cor placed a warm hand on Susan's shoulder.

"You will see them again. As long as you follow your guide," said Prince Corin. "Goodbye."

King Cor took back his hand, followed his brother as he walked away, and disappeared into the trees.

The trees were green again, the sun shone brightly, and the river ran wildly. It seemed that the snowy cover slid off the world to reveal all the colors of the nature, which, to Susan, looked brighter still. She was no longer afraid as she ran over to the Stag that watched her with careful eyes. She lay on her side, and watched a yellow rose bloom quicker than any flower should. As her breathing slowed, her eyes fluttered closed, and finally, sweet sleep graced her at last.


	2. Chapter 2

If Susan uttered any honest words once she was awakened by the Stag, they were these: _I am such a fool sometimes_. As she fought her dress from the trees that gripped it she knew these words were true for it had been foolish to come here, to follow the silly stag, and to ever have forgotten Narnia. Susan let time pass while she was in England; she let it slip through her fingers and fly into endless nights while she wasted her years trying to be the grown up that she supposed she should be. What foolish clothes she wore to all the pointless parties she attended mattered little to her now that her red dress became tangled with low hanging branches. She tugged at it, but it was useless for she was stuck unless she removed the dress all together. She did not want to go wandering about a forest without some sort of clothing, but it seemed she had no choice. Susan felt helpless as she pulled at her dress with all the strength she had, but saw that the branches refused to even bend. Sweat ran down her forehead, and her hands ached. She had received several scratches from the sharp leaves, and she would've liked to sit for a while and rest, but she could not move: she was completely stuck. _I am such a fool sometimes_, she thought as she tugged once more at her dress.

"Susan,"

The resounding whisper filled the air. She looked to the Stag, but it shook its head.

"Susan,"

Lucy's voice sounded as clear to Susan as if Lucy had been standing next to her, watching her struggle for her dress.

"Su, have a little faith…" Lucy said, and her voice faded into the wood.

Susan laughed a little. Something she always forgot was the one thing that could help her now: faith. She must've looked ridiculous with half her dress wrapped around a few branches, but she didn't care. The White Stag walked over to her, bent his head, and pulled Susan's dress loose. She placed her hand on him to thank him; for she could not talk through the waves of laughter that poured out of her like a waterfall, or a river.

Further in the wood Susan could hear a deep roar as her laughter became giggles, and then soft chuckling. The Stag looked at her once before flying off into the shady wood where the roaring could be heard. Susan followed, though she knew not that she could fly too, like the Stag. In a short while she was beside him, and so she ran faster, and faster until she could recognize no trees for everything was a blur of green, though up ahead a shining blue color drew her in. The Stag splashed in a wonderful lake, and Susan followed as the roaring became louder. The water was cool, like shade on a sunny day. She looked to the sky and saw a waterfall. She wondered what was beyond, for no one could climb to the top of Cauldron Pool. The Stag, while Susan admired the diamond clear water falling, continued to swim deeper into the lake, and when Susan noticed she swam after it…and up. Up, up, and further in she swam. Soon Susan could look down and see that she was swimming up the waterfall, but instead of questioning how this was possible she laughed a big belly laugh until she reached the top.

Susan struggled, but once on dry land she looked at herself. He dress was not ripped, but a much more beautiful red than before. Her hair was dry once again, the gold circlet sat upon her head, and her cuts and bruises were healed, and no one would ever know that they had been there in the first place. Even more amazing than all of this was her family, standing around Aslan and smiling. Lucy rushed to her, and hugged her. Susan hugged her as hard as she could to make up for all the missed days and nights when she would've liked to have hugged her, and she told her how much she had truly missed her, and them. Edmund and Peter approached her as well and hugged her, too. They were all dressed in royal clothing, and were all wearing crowns like in the Old days of Narnia, when they ruled. But something was different. A feeling that wasn't there before hung over all of them in the silence as they hugged. They could appreciate each other now, because each knew that living, or dying, without the others meant not really living, or dying, whole. It meant missing a part of you, like missing an ear: it was not really needed, but it made you feel better having it and when you didn't, you'd constantly check to see if it was there and when you realized it wasn't you'd feel bereft. There was nothing for the brothers and sisters to say, and there was nothing to do but hug and smile, or sigh their relief. Once they were together, Aslan stepped forward. Lucy, Peter, and Edmund let go of Susan slightly, though they kept their arms around her for they dared not lose her again. Aslan smiled at seeing them together once again, and licked Susan's face.

"Welcome, Dear one, to my country. There are many things we must talk about. Come along now," Aslan said serenely. Peter, Edmund, and Lucy felt uncomfortable letting Susan go when they wished to talk to her, and be with her, but they let her walk away with Aslan. The Great Lion knew they must talk a great deal, but he let her turn to say a few words to her siblings.

"I'll be back in a little while. Then we can stay up as long as we like and talk. Though…though I'd like to apologize for trying to be so grown-up before," Susan said, looking mainly at Lucy, "I hope you can forgive me."

Susan turned back to Aslan, and heard Edmund saying something about forgiving her after she had danced with them. Aslan and Susan walked a short while in silence before Susan dared to say a word. Then she cleared her throat and spoke.

"I'm…home now. Thank You," She hesitated, and the Great Lion said nothing. "But really, you must explain what the shadows in the wood were," The Lion was remained quiet for he felt Susan was struggling to say something that she thought important. "I'm also sorry, but you know I never forgot you. I just said it to try to make Narnia go away. I wanted it not to have happened because I'd miss it so much, and I knew I couldn't go back…"

They walked in silence once more, but Susan could hear the life of a party taking place not too far from them: laughing, dancing, talking, and singing.

Aslan swished his tail and he began to talk.

"The shadows in the wood were us, here in my country. You were passing through the Lands of Shadow, and from here Peter spotted you. They called out and tried to reach you. In your world you no longer exist—you've died. And so, little one, you've come here to rest at last and make amends for your mistake."

"But Aslan, why does this look like Narnia?" Susan thought she already knew the answer, but wanted to ask despite the feeling she had that Aslan would ask her what she thought. She wasn't wrong, for a moment later the Lion did ask. "Well, my guess is that you made Narnia like your country, only it was just a copy so it could not be as beautiful."

"Yes, I made Narnia a copy of my country, and England as well. You ought to know that your mother and father would like you to visit soon. But come now, we have much to talk about and already the sun is setting."

Indeed the sun was setting. It cast golden light around them that penetrated the trees in places, leaving it dappled with splashes of gold. The leaves on the trees turned a pale, but sparkly, green. The flowers turned gold entirely. The trunks of the trees ceased to be brown as they were washed in golden light, and the grass turned yellow. The sky turned pink, purple, red, orange, and the slightest shade of turquoise, though Susan could not easily see it through the leaves above. She watched until it all faded to a deep blue as the sun slid behind the horizon. Then she turned to walk once more with Aslan.

Susan and Aslan did not return in time for the party, or in time for breakfast. During late afternoon they slowly climbed the wooden stairs which wound around and up to a clearing in which the party had been held. The streamers and banners had been cleared away from the stairway the previous night to let the flowers decorate instead. Once up in the clearing Susan spotted a few fauns preparing a table, and setting food upon it. To her right Susan saw a pack of dogs eating a late breakfast on a mossy table. She watched them a while but they did not linger. The dogs, once done eating, disappeared into the wood beyond the half-moon clearing.

A faun called out to Susan. He asked her to come and eat. Then he quickly excused himself and scampered off after the dogs. The rest of the fauns left Susan in the same manner: they said various pleasant words about having her back, and then quickly excused themselves and left her at her table quite alone. Aslan had disappeared, but Susan had not noticed until that moment when a sudden quiet came over the clearing.

She sat with her hands on her lap, unsure of what to do. What was she supposed to do with all the food? On the table sat huge mountains of food: scrambled eggs, buttered toast, French toast, bits of bacon, fried ham, soft biscuits, sweet fruits, fluffy pancakes, toasted waffles, fresh bagels, cornbread, warm croissants, glazed doughnuts (much to Susan's surprise), blueberry muffins, potato cakes, oatmeal porridge, hash browns, and a stack of sausages. There were also jugs of different fruit juices of which Susan could identify the orange juice and the apple juice. Then there were the jugs filled with other substances: water, milk, and flower tea (fauns are very famous for their flower tea).

"Su, dig in!" Peter's voice came from behind her. She turned in surprise and found that not only Peter had been watching her, but Lucy, Edmund, and her parents were also there. She laughed as they took their places around the table and helped themselves to whatever they wanted. They smiled as they ate and began to talk to her like in the old days. She was finally home.


End file.
